At a very deep level, the human heart yearns for connection—to be known, nourished, tended to, and held. When we enter a committed partnership, we make vows: promises to protect, honor, and cherish our beloved’s heart and soul. But sometimes, these deep bonds are broken and ruptured by acts of deception and betrayal. This can have devastating consequences for the partner who has been betrayed, for the person who has engaged in deceptive behaviors, and for the relationship itself.
The Trauma of Deception, Betrayal, and the Abuse of Trust
Discovering a partner’s infidelity, compulsive sexual behaviors, sex addiction, and/or secret life can be an acute traumatic experience—a split-second shock that feels like a rip of the heart and soul. It destroys the foundation of trust, undermines a sense of safety and security, and can upend a person’s entire understanding of their life and relationships.
The discovery and crash of it all can be extremely debilitating, often experiencing it as heart-wrenching and gut-punching. This type relational and shock trauma can reverberate the deep anguished cry of the cracking heart and the desperate scream of the fragmenting soul.
In the aftermath of discovery, and being in the new existing reality of derealization and disorientation, a wide range of deregulatory emotional responses are natural and match the enormity of what is happening, such as anger, rage, terror, grief, shock, disbelief, confusion, and self-doubt.
There can also be sensorial responses that may feel confusing. Frequently, it can show up as a person having erratic bursts in the physical, somatic, energetic, and nervous system, as well syncing up to the distress in the vagus nerve, which then increases hijacks and reactions.
These intense emotions and sensorial survival responses can be overwhelming and debilitating. They can lead a person to experiencing the life they are now living, their new existing reality, to be in continued states of disconnection, isolation, and despair.
Deceptive Sexuality and Trauma Treatment (DSTT)
DSTT specifically addresses the pain and complex layers of these types of betrayal.
Here’s what DSTT offers:
- DSTT recognizes the profound impact of deceptive sexuality and betrayal trauma. A DST therapist can help a person understand the neurobiology of trauma responses and how the body and mind might be coping with this breach of trust.
They hold a baseline of humility, with the vein of justice running throughout— informational, restorative, and relational. The therapeutic frame is sacred and the therapist offers a landing point of strength, presence, and nonjudgment, which often becomes the temporary safety net for the person who has lost their once-trusted other. This is imperative because the bridge of trustworthiness has been blown up and at times there is nowhere or no one to “attach-enough to”. - Thus, the DST therapist is the anchor person and solid place for them to build a safe-enough attachment, so that they can be held in the enormity of what may be happening for them.
- The DST therapist has great capacity to turn towards you and your life with acuity and curiosity at the same time. This type of support is truly vital as you process the complexity of it all.
Stabilization and Safety
- A priority in DSTT is helping you feel safe-enough again. It is of high importance for the therapist to build a bridge of trustworthiness in the therapeutic frame—one that has qualities of competence, reliability, integrity, compassion, humility, honesty, empathy, and a capacity for deep listening. This also might include:
- developing grounding techniques such as regulating the nervous system and resetting and strengthening your vagus nerve
- coping strategies for difficult emotions and trigger activations
- exploring safety needs and boundaries within your environment
Accurate Information
- DSTT provides clear and compassionate psychoeducation about deceptive sexual behaviors and the impact on all entities—the person who harmed, the person harmed, the injured relationship, and the ripple effect that touches into family, society, and meaning.
Although the language can carry a heaviness of sorts, the solemnity of this knowledge can actually dispel shame, reduce self-blame, and empower the person impacted to make informed choices about their now existing reality, their relationship, and their own healing journey.
When therapists and other professionals name the reality and impact of this type of trauma, they offer a clear reflection for the person to see themselves and what has happened to all entities involved in the impacts.
With gentle guidance and attunement to the tenderness of the person who is coming to terms with it all, and this means all entities involved holding the reality and metabolizing it— a therapist with a strong heart and a deep internal scaffolding, that can hold a suffering person as they face and process it all, is the golden balm that helps them feel deeply held, seen, and cared for, so they can find their way back to the truth and themself.
Navigating Complex Dynamics
- DSTT recognizes the complexities of attachment injuries and acute relational ruptures, whether the breach is within the self or in relationship with others. This model of treatment honors and supports the betrayed partner, while also offering a path toward accountability and potential healing for the person who caused harm. The goal is always to reduce harm, period.
As the suffering individuals begin to stabilize in their own process, DSTT also holds the injured relationship of great importance, noting that it is of great importance to create a safe-enough container for them to stand in the reality and truth, and metabolize it together.
If the choice is to part ways, each person may still need guidance in processing this type of trust-rupture so that new relationships don’t carry the trauma of deep harm, deception, betrayal, and distrust as a starting point.
Whatever the choice, to stay or part ways, the DSTT therapist helps them in the process of clearing and sorting, oftentimes building that bridge of trustworthiness within the injured relationship, or in navigating the presence of this bridge in new relationships.
The golden thread of awareness in this place of complex healing, is to create a space for a person to experience being connected to their gut and themself again. Furthermore, to perhaps open that up into a safe-enough experience in relationships, where there also might be a rhythm of freedom at the same time.
To circle back to accuracy of information which is key to the road of emancipation: this is to remember that in doing the hard work of standing and facing the reality of what happened, processing and integrating the existing reality, taking responsibility for how you move forward with accurate-authentic reality, it can light up the pathway to making stronger and more consistent decisions, addressing family dynamics and ripple effects, and provides resources specific to you and your experience.
A Path to Restoration
While the pain of betrayal can be profound, healing and transformation is possible. With the support of a DSTT therapist, you can:
- Process the traumatic impact, along with the complexities and layers related to it, opening the needed spaciousness internal and external to rebuild a deeper connection to oneself, and develop a sense of safety in life.
- Reconnect with your strength and resilience, allowing a person to realign with a sense of wholeness and deep integrity where the heart, mind, gut, and soul essence are syncing up.
- Make informed decisions about the future and how they will choose to live their life moving forward, freeing themselves from the trauma-induced grips of indecision and paralysis.
- Find meaning and purpose in the aftermath of that demolishing experience, and reforming their life, perhaps bringing it into full expression.
- Restoring their connection to an illuminated self, which can encourage the rising of a person’s embodied aliveness. This can promote the unfolding of newness for them, and perchance a sense of becoming at a greater degree than ever imagined.
From My Heart to Yours
If you are suffering with the impacts of betrayal, please know this: you are not alone. Healing is a journey, but it doesn’t have to be one you walk by yourself. Reach out for support. DSTT offers a framework to find your way back from the crying shattered heart and screaming fragmented soul.
I am here for you. Let us land together, in the sacred place of truth and realty. Let me offer you a safe-enough spaciousness filled with strength, compassion, and hope. Let me be your guide and witness that honors you, so that you can begin to deeply heal the trauma you may be experiencing.
Trish – Certified DSTT Therapist
